Print Story These are the days where meaning disappears.
Diary
By nightflameblue (Wed May 21, 2008 at 09:15:02 AM EST) (all tags)
Not exactly sure how to express this one. It's not personal to me, but it's deeply personal to someone. It's tough to write respectfully about someone who's done nothing to earn any respect.


As you may have guessed, it's about MSSS and her ongoing tale of woe and agony.

It starts simply enough. Dad told Mrs. Dad he wanted to go visit MSSS and Mr. MSSS and sit down with a notebook and a pen and show them where they sit moneywise, where they would sit in so many months moneywise if they sell the house, and where they would sit in those same months if they didn't sell the house. All in the name of making sure they are making an informed decision before moving forward.

Mrs. Dad said, "No. I will not have you trying to tell MSSS that she is wrong."

He said, "I'm not trying to tell her she's wrong, I'm trying to show her the reality of the situation before she makes a mistake, in either direction."

"No, I forbid it. You're not allowed to do this."

Now, if there's one thing anyone who knows my dad will tell you, it's that you don't forbid him from doing anything. You reason with him if you don't want him to do something. You don't forbid it. You forbid it? That's like saying, "whatever you do, don't forget to do this. It's the most important thing in the world!"

So, he went and did it.

MSSS was not happy.

Dad explained this all to me yesterday in his office, having called me up there because he felt this story shouldn't be told in the cubicle space. He also said that Mrs. Dad has spent all of MSSS's life trying to protect MSSS from anything negative at all, and that her entire existence is wrapped up in protecting her daughter from ever seeing the dark side of life. All of which means, MSSS has no coping mechanisms. None at all.

Which becomes important now.

She goes in for a routine sonagram to check on her developing baby. There's a problem. A large problem. A this may not work out level problem.

And see, that right there sucks no matter who you are. I'm not ashamed to admit I teared up slightly at this news, despite my feelings towards MSSS.

Mrs. Dad went immediately to her. And this is where it gets weird.

Mrs. Dad is blocking Mr. MSSS from talking with the doctors or MSSS. Mrs. Dad told Dad, "we don't want you here. Your constant negativity is not healthy for her."

Telling Dad not to come? OK, I can understand that. They're both convinced Dad hates MSSS because he occassionally tries to show her reality. But not allowing Mr. MSSS to be a part of this? He's a good dad, as far as I can tell. The type that wants an active part in all aspects of his children, from pregnancy right on through. At least, as much as a guy can have an active part in that. For him, he's on the verge of losing a child too here, and he's not even allowed to find out what's going on.

Dad and Mr. MSSS are chatting on the phone every once in a while, trying to figure out how either of them can find out the truth about what's going on. Neither of them have a clue.

Dad says Mrs. Dad is losing her mind. Her entire existence has been about protecting MSSS from negativity, and she can't figure out a way to prevent her from seeing the negative side of this situation. As Mrs. Dad and MSSS delve further into each other for support, and push their men away further, the feeling that all's not well with either of their marriages is beginning to settle in with the men.

The entire situation is a big old pile of suck, and I won't pretend to be callous enough that I can joke about the possible loss of an unborn child. But something very not right is going on here. It goes beyond needing her mother's help and support. There's every possibility that even in a very, very healthy relationship, the loss of a child, pre or post birth can be enough to tear it apart. This?

I can't even comprehend the possible outcomes. But none of the possibilities seem very rosy to me.

< Poem of the Day: "I will put Chaos into fourteen lines" by Edna St. Vincent Millay | Gay Marriage, and Polygamy. >
These are the days where meaning disappears. | 57 comments (57 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
UPDATE: by nightflameblue (2.00 / 0) #1 Wed May 21, 2008 at 09:21:57 AM EST
They are inducing on Monday. The baby is definitely not going to make it. This sucks. A lot.



Yeah, it really does by georgeha (2.00 / 0) #2 Wed May 21, 2008 at 09:41:12 AM EST
how far along is MSSS?


[ Parent ]

Two to three months, I believe. by nightflameblue (2.00 / 0) #5 Wed May 21, 2008 at 10:10:09 AM EST
Not a hundred percent sure on that, but it's not much more than that.

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The first trimester is the riskiest by georgeha (4.00 / 3) #8 Wed May 21, 2008 at 10:15:26 AM EST
which is why the common wisdom is not to tell anyone until 3 months have passed.

It still sucks.


[ Parent ]

I didn't realize how frequent bad outcomes were by wiredog (2.00 / 0) #3 Wed May 21, 2008 at 09:57:55 AM EST
Until I fell in with the group I run with now. Lots of younger (under 30) people in it, getting pregnant.

Around 1/5th of the pregnancies ended in miscarriage. (Let's see, 13 kids I can think of born in the past 5 years, 3 miscarriages I know about. So, yeah, about 1 in 5.)

Now, this is an AA group, so these aren't people who'd taken great care of themselves previously. But they were all healthy, and under 30.

Earth First!
(We can strip mine the rest later.)



Also... by wiredog (2.00 / 0) #4 Wed May 21, 2008 at 10:04:43 AM EST
Two nurses in our crowd, who've worked ob/gyn.

When the various mothers get together the subject of "horrifying (but, much later, amusing) childbirth experiences" sometimes come up. Terms such as "4th level laceration", "vaganus", "prolapsed uterus", with attached descriptions, and the phrase "spurting blood", will cause some very tough guys to get very pale and find someplace else to be.

Earth First!
(We can strip mine the rest later.)

[ Parent ]

It's very scary by debacle (2.00 / 0) #34 Wed May 21, 2008 at 04:37:45 PM EST
Women die in childbirth all the time. Less so now than before, but at the same time it is a risk. It's a difficult thing to be excited about the birth of your child yet worried about the safety and health of both the child and the mother.

I can't even begin to imagine the fear and emotional up and downs that women go through.


"I'm very responsive to certain stimuli, and pain is pretty much at the top of that list." - BadDoggie

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Me neither. by nightflameblue (2.00 / 0) #37 Wed May 21, 2008 at 04:43:56 PM EST
Pregnancy is one of the most awesome, and most scary things in the entirety of the human experience.

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Pregnancy isn't too bad by debacle (2.00 / 0) #41 Wed May 21, 2008 at 04:48:17 PM EST
But maybe having experienced it (second-hand) a few times has made me less awe-struck by it.

Labor itself, though, is terrifying for everyone involved, I think.


"I'm very responsive to certain stimuli, and pain is pretty much at the top of that list." - BadDoggie

[ Parent ]

I've lived with a woman through pregnancy. by nightflameblue (2.00 / 0) #45 Wed May 21, 2008 at 04:50:09 PM EST
It's both good, and bad.  Both on levels that my fragile male mind can't comprehend.

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That's better than average by theboz (2.00 / 0) #27 Wed May 21, 2008 at 12:11:24 PM EST
They estimate up to 50% of pregnancies result in a miscarriage, although most occur so early that they are often mistaken for periods and the women don't know they are pregnant.  Something like 1/5 on average are a miscarriage that occurs after a woman knows she is pregnant.  So unfortunately, it is very common.
- - - - -
That's what I always say about you, boz, you have a good memory for random facts about pussy. -- joh3n
[ Parent ]

most occur so early by wiredog (2.00 / 0) #31 Wed May 21, 2008 at 01:31:59 PM EST
Yeah. Except in the case of very close friends I haven't heard of the pregnancies until after 90 days had passed. So all the miscarriages I heard about were after that period had passed.

Earth First!
(We can strip mine the rest later.)

[ Parent ]

Suckage by MartiniPhilosopher (2.00 / 0) #6 Wed May 21, 2008 at 10:10:35 AM EST
And it probably won't be any better with MSSS' husband not there either.

Do you have any idea how Mrs. Dad came by this hyper-protective attitude?

Whenever I hear one of those aforementioned douche bags pontificate about how dangerous [...] videogames are I get a little stabby. --Wil Wheaton.


I'm not sure. by nightflameblue (2.00 / 0) #7 Wed May 21, 2008 at 10:14:09 AM EST
I know she's got some issues about MSSS suffering from deadbeat dad syndrome, but that's really only part of it.  Mrs. Dad's friends say it's always been that way, right from birth forward, so it's hard to say why she ended up that way.

[ Parent ]

deadbeat dad syndrome? by Merekat (2.00 / 0) #9 Wed May 21, 2008 at 10:18:41 AM EST
So when a dad figure actively takes an interest in her life and development, that's a bad thing?

[ Parent ]

Something like that. by nightflameblue (2.00 / 0) #10 Wed May 21, 2008 at 10:26:15 AM EST
Mrs. Dad's response to anyone questioning why she babies MSSS is that, "she had such a bad childhood because he dad left when she was seven."  The theory we're beginning to piece together is that Mrs. Dad has always focused so much attention on MSSS that the dad just felt like he was in the way and eventually shoved off just because he was tired of being told what a worthless bastard he was for trying.

A horrible thing to say at a time like this, but looking more and more likely to be true.  Case in point - they'll be holding a private ceremony for the unborn child at the cemetery.  Mr. MSSS is not going to be allowed to attend.  It's MSSS and Mrs. Dad only.

[ Parent ]

Jesus fuck by Merekat (2.00 / 0) #11 Wed May 21, 2008 at 10:28:41 AM EST
That's inhuman.

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I may need to take a trip to Iowa soon. by nightflameblue (4.00 / 1) #13 Wed May 21, 2008 at 10:31:14 AM EST
Mr. MSSS needs to go out, have about ten thousand beers, and get some shit off his chest or he's going to end up exploding.  Dad's to beat down to help in this situation, and Mr. MSSS is a good enough dude I'd like to help him out if I can.  And that's really the only thing I see that could possibly help in this situation, aside from telling him to gird up and tell her he's included or it's done.  Too many times he gets told to just stay in the background.  This is not one of those times where it's OK to just do as he's told.

[ Parent ]

Getting a grip by Herring (2.00 / 0) #19 Wed May 21, 2008 at 11:31:09 AM EST
I don't think I could stay with someone who even thought that it was remotely OK to shut him out of this. Little things like having an affair or appearing in an internet sex video with members of PNAC you might be able to fogive, but not that.

When my grandfather became ill, my grandmother rubbed goose-fat into his back. He went downhill quite quickly after that. - Milton Jones
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It is by Herring (2.00 / 0) #18 Wed May 21, 2008 at 11:27:36 AM EST
And in my book is a totally unforgiveable thing do to. He should pack and go now.

When my grandfather became ill, my grandmother rubbed goose-fat into his back. He went downhill quite quickly after that. - Milton Jones
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Unfortunately. . . by nightflameblue (2.00 / 0) #22 Wed May 21, 2008 at 11:34:58 AM EST
he's so used to being told what to do, he may not.  But, this might be what puts him over the edge.

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Isn't it odd by debacle (2.00 / 0) #36 Wed May 21, 2008 at 04:40:36 PM EST
When you're rooting for a siblings SO to realize that they'd be better off outside of the relationship?

"I'm very responsive to certain stimuli, and pain is pretty much at the top of that list." - BadDoggie

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She's not my sibling. by nightflameblue (2.00 / 0) #38 Wed May 21, 2008 at 04:44:50 PM EST
(M.y S.upposed S.tep S.ister)

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Keep telling yourself that. [nt] by debacle (2.00 / 0) #42 Wed May 21, 2008 at 04:48:47 PM EST


"I'm very responsive to certain stimuli, and pain is pretty much at the top of that list." - BadDoggie

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Would you claim her? by nightflameblue (2.00 / 0) #46 Wed May 21, 2008 at 04:50:39 PM EST
I rest my case.

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I wouldn' t have a choice by debacle (2.00 / 0) #48 Wed May 21, 2008 at 04:51:54 PM EST
Call a thing what it is.

"I'm very responsive to certain stimuli, and pain is pretty much at the top of that list." - BadDoggie

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(Comment Deleted) by nightflameblue (2.00 / 0) #50 Wed May 21, 2008 at 04:54:51 PM EST

This comment has been deleted by nightflameblue



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If that's the case by debacle (2.00 / 0) #53 Wed May 21, 2008 at 05:00:05 PM EST
Why didn't dear old dad go after the young twenty-something rather than the middle-aged mother?

"I'm very responsive to certain stimuli, and pain is pretty much at the top of that list." - BadDoggie

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I would call her what she is. by nightflameblue (2.00 / 0) #52 Wed May 21, 2008 at 04:59:29 PM EST
But this is a family site.

[ Parent ]

Is it? [nt] by debacle (2.00 / 0) #54 Wed May 21, 2008 at 05:02:28 PM EST


"I'm very responsive to certain stimuli, and pain is pretty much at the top of that list." - BadDoggie

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Not really. by nightflameblue (2.00 / 0) #56 Thu May 22, 2008 at 08:00:10 AM EST
But I was tired when I wrote that and couldn't come up with a clever way to say it.

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That should be helpful to Mr MSSS by wiredog (2.00 / 0) #12 Wed May 21, 2008 at 10:30:48 AM EST
At the alimony allocation hearing.

Earth First!
(We can strip mine the rest later.)

[ Parent ]

I just hope they at least let him know by nightflameblue (2.00 / 0) #14 Wed May 21, 2008 at 10:32:21 AM EST
where the grave will be, so he can mourn too.  It's not right how they pushed him out of this.  On any level.

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I just had a horrible thought about this. by nightflameblue (4.00 / 1) #15 Wed May 21, 2008 at 10:40:19 AM EST
"He wouldn't even attend the funeral for his own unborn."

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Too many witnesses by wiredog (2.00 / 0) #16 Wed May 21, 2008 at 10:56:49 AM EST
That he wasn't allowed to attend.

Earth First!
(We can strip mine the rest later.)

[ Parent ]

While this is true. by nightflameblue (2.00 / 0) #17 Wed May 21, 2008 at 10:58:08 AM EST
I wouldn't say it's out of the realm of possibility to be brought up if it comes to that.

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no. by clock (4.00 / 1) #21 Wed May 21, 2008 at 11:34:28 AM EST
he argues that he was excluded and it all comes out as heresay since they won't have a trial anyway.  welcome to iowa.


Clock is right. [nt] --vorheesleatherface

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Yeah, Iowa. by nightflameblue (4.00 / 1) #23 Wed May 21, 2008 at 11:36:43 AM EST
He'll owe for the rest of his life no matter what happens because there's also a living child involved.

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wow. by gzt (2.00 / 0) #25 Wed May 21, 2008 at 11:44:12 AM EST
I understand that some people are messed up, but it's like, man, that is messed up. I don't know where they are in the Great State of Iowa, but where I was raised in the Great State of Iowa, that would not fly for one moment. You just can't do that.

[ Parent ]

MSSS was raised in California. by nightflameblue (2.00 / 0) #26 Wed May 21, 2008 at 12:06:09 PM EST
Perhaps you missed the entry where she had a dream that she would die in childbirth, and she made Mr. MSSS and Mrs. Dad promise to raise her children in California, because that was such a wonderful place to have such a happy childhood.

Even though the reason Mrs. Dad spoils MSSS is that her childhood was horrible because her dad was a deadbeat.

And there could be no other place to have a happy childhood.

I'm quickly remembering why I found it so difficult to dredge up sympathy for MSSS when first hearing this news.

[ Parent ]

WHAT?!? by debacle (2.00 / 0) #35 Wed May 21, 2008 at 04:39:31 PM EST
Dear lord, that poor husband.

I mean really. I would hang myself. How can they do that to him?


"I'm very responsive to certain stimuli, and pain is pretty much at the top of that list." - BadDoggie

[ Parent ]

There can be no acknowledgement. . . by nightflameblue (2.00 / 0) #39 Wed May 21, 2008 at 04:45:46 PM EST
that others have thoughts, nor feelings.  It's one of their primary operational rules in all things.

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Sounds like something out of a by debacle (2.00 / 0) #44 Wed May 21, 2008 at 04:49:55 PM EST
psycho thriller movie.

"I'm very responsive to certain stimuli, and pain is pretty much at the top of that list." - BadDoggie

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Nothing that frightening. by nightflameblue (2.00 / 0) #47 Wed May 21, 2008 at 04:51:54 PM EST
More like old-school fiefdom type stuff.  The peons can be viewed as cattle and dogs.  Namely, anyone that's not them or their direct female descendants.

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(Comment Deleted) by debacle (2.00 / 0) #51 Wed May 21, 2008 at 04:58:30 PM EST

This comment has been deleted by debacle



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This is messed up. by gzt (2.00 / 0) #20 Wed May 21, 2008 at 11:34:04 AM EST
Mrs. Dad must have had a messed up childhood herself.

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I would guess so. by nightflameblue (2.00 / 0) #24 Wed May 21, 2008 at 11:37:42 AM EST
No one, her friends, her mother, her husband, nor anyone else involved is able to convince her what she's doing is unhealthy for both her and MSSS.  It's a strange situation made stranger by bad things like what's currently going on.

[ Parent ]

If she doesn't want her Husband around now.. by haplopeart (2.00 / 0) #28 Wed May 21, 2008 at 12:35:41 PM EST
...I'd imagine she doesn't really want him around at all.

My Wife and I went 1 for 4 in the baby department and through the first 3 she leaned on my heavily when the crap hit the fan.  We leaned on each other through #4 with cautious hope as milestones got passed.

I feel for MSSS, but Christ what she is doing is just wrong.  She should be leaning on her Husband not her mother exclusively.  It sounds like he wants to be involved, is trying to be, and she is not letting him.  That is not a proper relationship.  Its just sick!



She hates him now. by nightflameblue (2.00 / 0) #29 Wed May 21, 2008 at 01:03:40 PM EST
He recently disagreed with one of her decisions, the decision to sell their house without any plan in place afterwards, and at that point, the relationship was over in her mind.

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He should run by georgeha (2.00 / 0) #30 Wed May 21, 2008 at 01:12:54 PM EST
get out before a child makes it hard.


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They already have a kid. by nightflameblue (2.00 / 0) #32 Wed May 21, 2008 at 01:42:18 PM EST
This would have been number two.

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Thankfully by debacle (2.00 / 0) #33 Wed May 21, 2008 at 04:35:09 PM EST
I am callous enough to joke about the possible loss of an unborn child.

Sadly, I've got nothing.

I've heard of relationships like the one you've spoken about, but I've never encountered one. Sure, there have been a few helicopter moms and skirt-shiers, but I've never actually known someone who would keep their husband and child's father out of those sorts of things.

Fuck.


"I'm very responsive to certain stimuli, and pain is pretty much at the top of that list." - BadDoggie



I'm sure in the retelling. . . by nightflameblue (2.00 / 0) #40 Wed May 21, 2008 at 04:46:55 PM EST
it will always be, "he never took an interest in the kids."  At least, if current evidence of what Mrs. Dad says about her ex-husband is any indication.

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You've got to wonder by debacle (2.00 / 0) #43 Wed May 21, 2008 at 04:49:21 PM EST
"What the fuck was my father thinking? This woman?!"

"I'm very responsive to certain stimuli, and pain is pretty much at the top of that list." - BadDoggie

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I know what he was thinking, sadly. by nightflameblue (2.00 / 0) #49 Wed May 21, 2008 at 04:53:25 PM EST
Not that I agree with his assessment, but he was thinking, "this chick looks this much hotter than my current wife."  He never processed all the extra baggage that came along with that.

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smart, pretty, sane by georgeha (4.00 / 3) #55 Wed May 21, 2008 at 07:14:57 PM EST
pick two.


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Yikes. by nightflameblue (2.00 / 0) #57 Thu May 22, 2008 at 08:01:25 AM EST
I think Mrs. NFB has a nice balance.  Though, for the most part, that's only because she's smart enough to realize that she's completely nuts, and she calls herself out on it before anybody else has to.

[ Parent ]

These are the days where meaning disappears. | 57 comments (57 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback